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Suggestions to make the upcoming Ashes Test series more even
Nathan Cyran
Australia bats in reverse order
Catches are allowed if taken one-hand, one-bounce
Tippity Run (hit the ball, you must run)
Use 3 sets of stumps instead of 1
Six and Out rule (hit a six and you're out, or if you're dismissed your punishment is to listen to Six and Out's great song "Can't Bowl, Can't Throw" on a continuous loop for 2 hours)
Replace the cricket ball with a tennis ball wrapped in tape
Ricky Ponting must wear a strait-jacket while fielding
Bring back Phil Tufnell (it may not make the game more even, but will make it more entertaining)
Allow crowd catches in England's favour
McGrath and Lee open the attack, batting, that is.
Warne is only allowed to bowl left handed
Gilchrist must keep wicket while standing up, not allowed to move into a squatting position
Seam bowlers must bowl spin and vice versa. Colin Miller is not allowed to bowl at all.
The Trevor Chappell rule is in force, underarm bowling is legal.
Australian players must bat while wearing blindfolds
Allow England to pick 2 players from other countries as imports.
Force non-specialist bowlers to open the attack for the first 20 overs.
No Australian fielders are allowed within 50 metres of the batsman, except the keeper.
Decide the series on a computer simulation of the Ashes series.
Bowl with hand-grenades
Bats replaced with pool cues
Play a series of blind cricket (no offense meant to blind people)
Play the series in a backyard instead of a cricket ground
Any Australian players found exhibiting 'trendyness' (wearing sunglasses, ear-rings etc) will be docked 50 runs
Make Matthew Hayden go fishing in a puddle and for every fish he catches, he scores one run.
Decide the series over a game of Russian Roulette
Get the mathematicians Duckworth/Lewis to make the England batting totals (preferably in a format we can understand)
Have a series between the Australian male cricketers and their female counterparts.
Or conversely, have a series between the England male cricketers and their female counterparts. (at least England would have a fair chance of winning)
French cuts are worth double the runs
Instead of the Test series, play a one-day series (what do you mean we already did that?)
Play on uncovered pitches
Can't be dismissed first ball
Can't be dismissed without scoring
Bring the boundary ropes in 30 metres while England are batting
Australian fielders replaced by lifesize cardboard cut-outs with the same amount of charisma as Adam Dale
Australians must bat and field in concrete shoes